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Damned Straight - Me, Too! (Chapter tbd); from “SELF TALK - My continuing efforts to survive childhood sexual abuse”

{This is another pre-release excerpt from my coming book, and more or less, the intro to my e-coping-guide, “(How to get) from TRIGGER to HAPPY!”}
“SELF TALK - My continuing efforts to survive childhood sexual abuse”
Chapter (tbd)
damned straight - Me, too!
Why do I feel the need to say, “Me, too” and tell my story? Now that I’m finally talking, I’m out to change the world. Unfortunately, it seems that in the past, and especially with childhood-onset abuse Survivors, the only way to remove shame, is to continually fling it off. It’s too ingrained to ever go away, so you manage it. And part of managing it, is actively destroying it moment by moment, as necessary.
   It’s one of the hardest things I have to tell my fellow Survivors... I have to tell them, you are never going to forget this, and the day will not come when you feel fine from then on out. But that is also your liberation! Because, now, you don’t have to worry about not feeling fine anymore. It’s okay to be a Survivor. Once you realize, and admit, that you ARE a Survivor, you are free of waiting to be free! You will now take the path to find out how to manifest a great life… because if you’re waiting to be OK, it’s like waiting for a bus, but never getting on or off as they go by. You can’t get anywhere like that... waiting to feel fine to act.
   One of my mottos is, “Don’t wait to feel okay to be okay. Go out and BE okay! It’s going to happen… you are going about your normal business, or in a situation you feel uncomfortable in, and some trigger, external or internal, is going to wash over you, and you’re going to mentally start slipping down the rabbit-hole built of your trauma. In fact, you are sub-consciously RACING to jump into it. We tell others that the experience of being lost in that dark hole of anguish and despair is traumatic and undesired. But the truth for many of us is, we seek it. We subconsciously SEEK the release of all of this built up shame and anger and confusion, and being down inside of a pit of despair feels oddly comfortable to us.
   We can feel sorry for ourselves and get lost in this hell-hole of our own making… it’s like a personal black hole to throw all that excess trauma energy into but, jump in yourself, and it can be pretty hard to get back out of! Been there… A few times. Thus ensues typical next steps: crying until the migraine stops you, or blacking out of consciousness and forgetting whatever happens next for awhile, or worse - drinking or drugging your way into a PTSD-trauma-free stupor.
   But you don’t have to fall all the way into that hole of self-punishment every time anymore! I want you to realize that escape is ACTUALLY a form of self-punishment. Escape is like “turning it over to a higher power”; a concept that I am mortally opposed to! The higher power is the power of YOUR mind to examine YOUR own experience, pronounce YOURself innocent, and STOP punishing YOU for someone ELSE’S crime. You have no need to escape! You will now CHOOSE to master your own mind, compartmentalizing it into a mental home office, with actionable goals that do NOT include your unhappiness, punishment, or demise.
   You are going to learn and DO very specific mental things that will help keep you standing - if a little shaky - STANDING in the moment. Whatever the trigger, you will let that fight or flight instinct dissipate, as you realize the past is ONLY in the past and in your head - granted, both VERY real places - but places that can be used to house the mental file you will now name the “You will not abuse me any longer” file. Now put that crap away.
   Don’t bury it. Don’t hide it in the dark recesses of your mind, never to see the light, waiting to be fallen into. Put it away in the open; in your new “You will not abuse me any longer” file. Keep that file out in the light of your mental home office. Read the label often. But don’t open that one anymore, unless it’s just to study up or, maybe, write a book about it, Lol.
   I promise you that if you learn some simple mental tricks and techniques, you will keep yourself from sinking into despair - you will stay away from the shadowy recesses of whatever dark mental place you are momentarily ensnared in - you will NO longer see the rabbit-hole of despair as a place you must spiral into. You will NOW see it as a place of punishment that you do not deserve. You will REJECT that place.
   But HOW?! We’ll talk about ways next. But, first, we need to talk about compartmentalizing. Once upon your life, separating into different mental “alters” to handle the tough stuff was very smart! It probably saved you when you were experiencing the worst of your traumatic past - whatever it was that led to your PTSD. It can be easy to turn to these altered states and qualified personalities, named or not, to take “IT” again - whatever the crap that you relive painfully is - to ride out the trauma again and again. We think we can’t control this. We think these triggered emotions are beyond our mental abilities to cope, so we dive into familiar mental cover.
   Self punishment becomes almost soothing to one who feels they deserve it, and to those who suffer from survivor guilt. Crying until you feel your brain is about to explode, or drinking and drugging until you forget to remember, are certainly readily available ways to escape the past! Orrr… you can keep the memories - Sorry, wish I could say you can lose them, but not gonna happen, folks; you WILL keep the memories - but learn to lose your fatal attraction to them. You will recognize that your desire to escape them by taking a nose-dive INTO the dark mental pit they live in is self-sabotaging.
   As paradoxical as it might sound, the way to deal with your deepest darkest trauma is to fling it into the broad daylight where you can see it, take aim at it, and blow it into smithereens! So why do I, and why should you, say, “Me, too”? Because it’s liberating as hell! Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes!
*Next up - We’ll get more in-depth about compartmentalization - what it is, how it hurt AND served you - how to re-tool it to suit your current mental and emotional challenges so you can get on with manifesting good things for your life!
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